Discipline Vs. Manipulation

I had something I wanted to ponder today in my blog while the kiddos napped, but I am a little distracted at the moment. Poor Kaden came home from school today with a massive bite on his arm. I was honestly shocked. I didn't realize that two year olds still bit like that. I guess that's because I have never had a biter though. Thankfully Kade has never been the least bit interested in sinking his teeth into anyone. I hope it stays that way! It really breaks my heart because I can tell it hurts very badly. It broke the skin, it's swollen, and there is a huge bruise already forming. He is holding his arm in a way that he doesn't have to move it much and he keeps saying, "Ow Ow!" Perhaps he is milking it a little bit, but I don't think so. He had real tears in his eyes when he came in from school and said, "it hurts!" He has been very brave though. I think the band-aid helped. That kid loves band-aids so much! *Sigh* I hate when my kids are sick or hurting.

I was already worried about the poor kid as it was. I think we scarred him for life last night when we took him to see Santa. I won't go into all the details, but let's just say that it was pointless to stress over what the kids were going to wear because we walked away without a picture! Kade has never gone to see Santa before and I thought he would love him. (I should have known better considering my parents have one picture of me with Santa and I am screaming my head off in it!) He has been talking about asking Santa for a choo choo train since we explained who Santa was, and he seemed really excited while waiting in line. As soon as it was our turn...well, let's just say it wasn't pretty!... Kaden woke up screaming last night and came and got in bed with us at one point. I just hope he wasn't having nightmares about fat guys in red! Mary-Kate was a trooper until Kaden's screaming fit scared her. She sat in Santa's lap observing Kade for about 3 minutes before she started to cry. Oh well...We'll just take lots of nice Christmas tree pics for years to come! Haha!

So, on to my ponderings...I have been thinking a lot about discipline versus manipulation lately. One thing that I long for is to raise my children to be polite and sweet, God-fearing individuals. I long for them to have a relationship with Jesus Christ and to walk in His ways. I think every day I battle thoughts of whether I am a good enough mother. I long to be Christ-like in all my actions, yet I think I fail miserably most days. I am very intrigued by the chapter in Galations that talks about walking by the spirit. I long to do this and to have an abundance of patience, peace, joy...you name it! Some days it seems so impossible. That, however, is another pondering for another day... So anyways, I am always worried that I am doing something to mess up my children. I mean, that's what parents do, right?

Well, part of the life of a parent is discipline. Considering that we have a two and half year old, Bryan and I discuss discipline quite frequently. How should we do it, when should we do it, how can we teach lessons and show our love through it, etc. I have been praying for guidance and patience as I try to handle Kade's energy. Some days are better than others. Currently, we are focusing on trying to get Kade to listen and obey. We know he is very smart and knows what we are saying most of the time. He proves that by all of the clever things he says and the way he does certain things. Because of this, we know he is capable of listening to us when we talk to him. However, he thinks that when we say stop, or when we start off a serious conversation about doing or not doing something, that is the time for him to run away giggling...Thus begins a game (to him) of chase until one of us catches him. It seriously frustrates us and then in the end, frustrates him. I understand he thinks it is funny to run (his favorite thing in the world is chase) but as a parent, we know that sometimes stopping and listening is more important, and we worry about him getting hurt.

So, all that brings me to my topic...Discipline versus Manipulation. We have been at our wits end some nights thinking how can we get him to obey? I don't want to always react in anger or frustration, so sometimes is it ok to just let it go? One thing that has been working better for us lately has been to take away privilleges. When Kade is disobeying we tell him he will not get to do such and such, or we will take away a certain toy, etc. He then has the choice to obey or disobey and reap the consequences. I think that is a great form of discipline for us, and it works much better than spankings. However, the other day I realized I was threatening to turn of his show if he didn't do something I wanted him to do. Mary-Kate had just spit up everywhere and he was standing next to her burp rag. I asked him to help me by handing the rag, instead he chose to laugh and run off. After I got the mess cleaned up, I turned off his show since he had "disobeyed" me. He started sobbing and was very upset. It was then that I realized maybe that wasn't the best way to handle the situation. Yes, I asked him to do something for me, but I could have also gotten it myself. Was it fair of me to expect him to help me, and to threaten him for choosing not to help me? Ultimately, I am his mom, so he does need to obey me if I ask something of him, but I think there was more to it than that. I realized I was probably using the threat of turning off the show as manipluation to get him to do what I wanted. That's not very fair. The poor kid is bombarded all day long with instructions...do this, do that! I'm sure he sees all the limitations we put on him constantly. They are very much needed, but that doesn't change the fact that we all get tired of being told what to do sometimes. At that very moment, Mommy could have used his help, but he didn't want to. He was in the middle of his show and I could have put MK down and snatched up the rag in about the same amount of time it would have taken him to get it and meander over towards me.

I want to teach my children the joy in helping one another. I want them to know that sometimes we do things we don't want to do because we love each other. When Mommy needs a helping hand, I want them to give it gladly. I don't want them to feel threatened and manipulated into it. Thus my mind started spiraling out of contol. How much discipline do I do, and how much manipulation? Where do you draw the line? Is it always the same, does it change under the circumstances, or is manipulation "OK" when they are young like this? I have a lot of questions about this. I totally think parents have the right to be in control of their children, and to make decisions for them. I feel like we have the right to make our children do things they don't want to do. It's part of the learning process! I also know the devestation manipulation can have on grown children who have been manipulated by their parents. It's a very hurtful thing and something that can do a lot of damage. I don't want to make it a habit of manipulating my children now, because I can, and then never outgrowing it when they are grown and on their on! Part of parenting is to teach our children to make there own decisions and choices, even if it goes against what we as parents want. (Granted, there is not much freedom to give to a 2 year old, but I have even been thinking of when my children are much older.)

Now, after all that, I also wonder if manipulation is alway a bad thing. For example, we like to reward Kade with a treat at dinner if he eats a good meal. We have struggled for the longest time to get him to eat anything, so when he would eat his fruits and veggies and meat, we would give him a cookie. Thus, we started saying, "If you eat a good dinner, we will give you a cookie." Manipulation? Perhaps, but I think it served a good purpose and allowed my non-existent eater to realize he liked a whole lot of foods he never thought he did. Now, we don't have to force him to eat, and I am not a short-order cook! He never even asks for a treat after his meal, he is just happy to eat what we are having, and we wonder what child it is that is eating at our dinner table! Ha!

Ok, so MK is talking in her crib now, so I better get my sweetie pie. I just wanted to put down some of the thoughts in my head. I often times think about things but don't have the confidence (or time) to post them. I would love to hear everyone's thoughts on the matter as well. Perhaps if I have more time, I can expand a little more later!